I would argue that we kind of live in a culture that promotes codependency.
My favorite definition of codependency is "putting other peoples' needs before your own". This way of doing things can sometimes be celebrated in certain cultures, and maybe it was in your family's culture.
The holiday season is upon us, and this can lead to a lot of stress, and long to-do lists.
Something that can easily creep into the equation, and multiply the stress related to an already long to-do list, is codependent patterns of thinking and decision-making. Often these patterns are so ingrained, we don't even notice that they are playing a major role in our cognitive load. This can look like:
Overthinking holiday gatherings to the point where your anxiety is increased because you are thinking so much about everyone else's experience
Having trouble making decisions because you can't decide what is important to YOU since you are so focused on what's important to everyone else
Saying "yes" to things you don't want to do, in order to feel like you are going to make other people happy, only ending up feeling unacknowledged or taken advantage of because your willingness and investment isn't matched. This is a clear path to resentment.
Or feeling taken advantage of because in the attempts to consider other people's happiness and comfort, you go above and beyond and nobody seems to notice, in the end.
I think this can be confusing because a lot of folks' value kindness and consideration in their relationships. So how do we know where the line is between codependency and just being a kind, considerate person?
I think to answer this question, it helps to look at the definition of boundaries, which is how we break free from codependent patterns. The simplest, and most helpful definition I've heard of boundaries is "What is and isn't okay with you" (spoken by Brene Brown).
Some things to consider/solutions to codependent-related anxiety include:
Digging deep if we feel overly stressed, anxious about relationships or holiday gatherings and asking ourselves, "what am I truly willing to do/contribute to this experience or relationship? Are my actions truly ok with me?" Of course there are places that we bend, flex, or compromise in order to act according to our values, but even then, if we do it too much or too often, there's a good chance we will end up feeling resentful, or underacknowledged and underappreciated.
Practicing knowing and embodying the fact that we are only responsible for our feelings and experience, and no one else's. Each person is responsible for their comfort, whether or not they have a good time, and ensuring that their needs get met. Our job is to do what we can to get our own needs met, and everyone else's job is to do the best they can to get their needs met.
Getting clear about your own values, so you know that if you do compromise, it's your choice and out of your own willingness (i.e. you have chosen for it to BE what IS okay with you) and do not need anyone else to acknowledge or appreciate you.
So you might be saying, gee, these are easier said than done, how do I go about practicing this?
I will tell you one thing that I'm very convinced about, which is that slowing your roll down as often and as much as possible will teach you more about yourself, how to set boundaries, discern what is/isn't working for you, and what your values are than anything else. Spending time in reflection whether that's meditation, talking with a friend, talking to a therapist. Those times of cultivation self-understanding are so, so important especially during a chaotic time such as the holidays in good ol' America!
Connecting to your body's experience will tell you how you feel - our bodies are where we hold our feelings, which give us the best information.
So here's some encouragement to take some time for yourself this holiday season, so you can discern what matters to you, practice distress tolerance if other people don't like your boundaries (that's a whole other blog post), develop your sense of self-trust, and make decisions that feel aligned and fulfilling.
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